Life can be a bitch.

Eurgh! Just a little warning….this post will be a rant and a moan of epic proportions. It is highly likely to be littered with naughty language and on the whole will be a bit “woe is me”. Read on if you dare!

Today has sucked. My sister has been really ill for a few weeks now, with an unknown virus type illness. Her symptoms are plenty and wide ranging so it has been hard to pin down what is wrong with her or what I can do to help her. After a very unhelpful visit to her GP (I won’t even get started on that!) I ended up taking her to A&E last Friday night as she was desperately ill and showing no signs of recovery. She had standard blood tests done and was sent home for rest and re cooperation as they couldn’t really tell what was wrong. Fine. No problem. Except there is. She has not eaten more than a mouthful of a meal in 2 weeks now. Her temp is still raging. She sleeps allllllllll day every day. Cannot get through more than a few hours of work before she is sent home. She has NO energy and is suffering with excruciating pains in her lower stomach. She came to me this morning in tears and looked pitiful. I immediately took her back to the hospital.

After 5 hours of waiting and being told by several doctors she had a flu type virus and there was nothing they could do, I showed them the strange rash on her legs that has appeared over the last few days. Everyone we saw chose to ignore that and not even look at it. I got very indignant, and in the most polite way I could muster, demanded they run more than the standard tests. Cue another few hours wait. By this time my poor exhausted sister was begging me to take her home so she could lay down and sleep. And thank goodness I refused. We were taken into a room where the doctor confirmed after further screens there WAS in fact a problem. And here is where I get angry. It’s her liver.

Her liver. Apparently a test they ran showed results of 1250….a normal figure on that test should be below 50. I am no doctor, and don’t know what the test was, but I know that’s not good. They were going to SEND HER HOME. AGAIN!!!!!!!! They immediately arranged for more blood to be taken to run more detailed tests and have given us an emergency appointment with a liver specialist in the assessment unit tomorrow morning. At least I got to take her home this evening. She is now asleep in bed after eating a small amount.

The thing that kills me is that it’s her liver. Hang on a minute bloody gods of fate! Are you having a bloody laugh here?! Is this supposed to be some cruel and twisted joke?! I’M the bloody one who has stupidly turned her liver inside out with my disgusting drinking habits. Why is my sister who very rarely drinks these days the one suffering?? And the sickest part of the joke?? I really really want a fucking drink tonight. Go figure that one.

Men are knobs too! Ha! Just thought I’d throw that one in there while i’m on an almighty screaming match run. It would take a whole other blog to explain about the man who has been in and out of my life the last 15 months. But he, who is normally always there for me when I need them managed to bloody piss me off and let me down tonight too. So I have had an almighty row with him. My sister is really sick and we don’t yet know what’s wrong. And I have been sat for the last few hours silently seething. At everything, anything and nothing all at once.

This would all be SO much easier if I just got Pissed. Not just one glass of wine. Nope. PISSED. But all I’ve had is two bloody cups of tea that I didn’t even enjoy because I’ve run out of may favourite tea bags. WOE IS ME.

I bloody hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I will wake up sober. I know that. But the mood better match.

Sorry for the rant!

 

49 days…..

Well it’s day 49 of being sober and after the weekend I’ve had in work I very nearly haven’t made it to 50! I have had a bloody awful working weekend and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I haven’t felt the need to drink though, which is obviously good. Last night I did have another dreaded “drinking dream”. I was sat outside in the sun with two friends and I was causally drinking a pint of lager. Which is ridiculous as I don’t think I’ve ever drank a pint of lager. Anyway…..I had drank 3/4 of the drink and looked at the other two drinks on the table and my friends had barely had a sip. One friend turned to me and said “wow you’re drinking fast!” and it was only then it dawned on me…..shit! you’re not supposed to be drinking at all!! I felt gutted with myself in the dream and upset that my counter would have to be re-set to day one again. It did not however stop me from downing the rest of the dream drink. Think there’s a lesson to be learnt in there somewhere. Or maybe more of a premonition…..!

It was almost like my subconsious mind was reminding me that I CANNOT and more importantly, I DONT WANT to drink anymore. Because lo and behold….half way through my day today I though “sod this for a game of soldiers, I need wine tonight. And a shit load of it!” And that feeling has not left me all solid day. I am home now. I’ve eaten, showered the dirty prison grime off me and thought my desire for alcohol would have dissipated by now. It hasn’t 😦 All I want to do is sink as far as I possibly can into a bottle or 2 of wine. I just want to forget that I am a prison officer. I want to forget that I am expected to listen and tolerate vile abuse. I want to forget that I have had to fear for my safety on more than 4 occasions today. I want to forget that I have to walk back in there and pick up the pieces of this broken and shitty weekend tomorrow. And most of all, I want to forget that I am a bloody “problem drinker” (still can’t say alcoholic).

But I am. I am a problem drinker. So I have decided that the safest place for me is bed. It is still bright and practically daylight outside but I cannot be trusted not to get in my car, go to the shop and just say FUCK IT.

I want to make it to day 50 tomorrow morning. And I know that I will. I have just had a bad few days. But I have got through it without booze. And I will wake up tomorrow with a clear head and be grateful of the fact.

I don’t feel grateful right this minute. I feel like a bloody bear with a sore head! But this feeling will pass…….

Hope you lovely people out there have had a better weekend than moi! 🙂 xxx

Eurgh…..

Well this has been the longest I’ve gone without blogging. To be completely honest, I really couldn’t be bothered to blog tonight either. But that’s not good enough and I’ve been putting it off for too long now.

I’ve had a shitty week to be honest. Work has sucked. It’s sucked huge massive hairy balls. Ha! I’m still have 3 days of a 10 day stretch without a day off to do. It’s been volatile, long hours, the heat has been unbearable when your stuck in the world’s hottest uniform for 12 hours a day! Two of my close friends have been assaulted by prisoners in the last week, one this morning. All of which has put me in a bloody god awful, vile mood. I should come with a neon warning sign…..”DO NOT APPROACH!”

I haven’t been taking care of myself this week either. Being kind to myself and making sure I’m happy is a lot easier without a full time job to contend with! I have to learn to put some time aside every day for this. Blogging helps SO much. Every time one of you amazing people like a post or comment on a post gives me a little spur onwards and upwards…..by neglecting that this last week has left me feeling flat and miserable. I’ve just been so exhausted when I get home that a quick shower and bed is all I can manage. EURGH.

I’ll snap out of this, I’m just in a bit of a funk. I worked late Saturday night and had been sat chatting with a work friend of mine when she suddenly said quite seriously “is everything ok with you?” I replied yes….and asked why? and she said that she wanted to ask as she hadn’t seen me for 3 weeks and had noticed that day that I had out on A LOT of weight. Thanks. She wanted to know if I was ok, or was taking any medication that had a side effect of huge weight gain. BLOODY HELL. I wanted the ground to swallow me up so I could die a quiet painless death by humiliation. It’s no secret that in the past 18 months I have put on a considerable amount of weight. Down to the fact that I just didn’t give a shit about myself anymore. I was drowning in anxiety, stress, alcohol and food. I get it. I am responsible for my body. But it’s also my bloody business!!!!!!!!!!

I know this friend did not mean to hurt me or upset me intentionally. She was obviously concerned, and thought she was doing the right thing. I personally would never comment on someone’s appearance. Wether it’s weight loss or weigh gain. Not my business as far as I’m concerned. But I’m not mad at her……..but I can’t lie. As a woman it cut me to the core. I managed to get through the end of the shift, left work and sat in my car and sobbed. I sobbed my heart out. It made me feel fat, disgusting, ashamed, paranoid that everyone must be looking at me and commenting behind my back. I felt like a big disgusting lump. I still do. The last two days in work I have felt so uncomfortable. I wish so much that the weather was cold so I could hide my figure under a fleece. But unfortunately I’m having to parade myself around in the world’s most unflattering combats and polo shirt. LOVELY.

Worst thing is………she’s right. That’s why she upset me so much and I cried. It is the truth. I need to lose weight. It’s as simple as that. I know my clothes struggle to fit and I can see my body. I just have ignored it. I also feel like I can only deal with one massive problem at a time ya know?!?! I want to scream “GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!! I am battling the urge to drown my fat sorrows in a bottle of vodka right now…..can’t we just leave my belly out of it please?!?!?!?!” ha ha……….but I need to grow up and handle it like a grown up. Yes I want to be sober……but I also really don’t want to be a fatty anymore.

Time to find a balance kids! Easy peasy……………..oh god. Any tips on how to overcome a thousand problems all at once when all you feel like doing is inhaling the sugar bowl will be gratefully accepted 😉

Answers on a postcard!

Xxx

Just leave me the hell alone!!

Happy to report I am still sober and feeling strong. I just wish that the people in my life would butt out and leave me alone. I may be being over sensitive, but every time someone says “so why aren’t you drinking?” I feel like punching them in the face. I feel like a spotlight has been thrown on my face, blinding my eyes and everyone is staring at me. Why the hell is it such a big deal to everyone?! (I am feeling very ranty today so I apologise in advance….). I feel like people are picking on me….and this probably is all in my imagination but I can’t help it. for example, I FINALLY after losing it 6years ago (drunkenly) renewed my driving license. it was always a bit of a pain when going clubbing as it was my ID. I’m 28 years old but still get ID’d a lot. So it came a few days ago and my sister said in a snide fashion “no point in even having that anymore, now you don’t drink.” she also made the same point whilst we were having lunch out with friends today. Everyone laughed along and cracked a joke, and I felt I had to too. I feel that to explain my sobriety away, I have to pretend that it’s a chore and something I don’t want to do. But that isn’t the truth. I WANT to be sober. I have no major desire to be drunk.

I think my major fear is that people will now assume I’m “boring” because I don’t get shit faced on a regular basis. I mean, just because I don’t choose to throw filth down my neck, act and look like a complete idiot and waste obscene amounts of money on booze, doesnt mean I can’t have fun and be ME.

Arghhh I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m feeling. To be honest I’m probably more annoyed at myself than anyone else as this is all my fault. If I hadn’t been such a bad drinker and idiot for so long this wouldn’t be an issue.

I’m going to sign off now because I’m just wallowing and getting myself more annoyed!

Speak soon x

Ok……take two on this post! I walked away, had a cold drink with plenty of ice (diet pepsi!) and ran myself a nice cool bubble bath. It’s boiling here in London, that’s why it wasn’t a hot bubble bath! I am a bit more focused and relaxed now and can maybe have a little more perspective on how I’m feeling.

I’ve had a really busy week. I am used to being in my own comfy sober bubble. I can handle that. It was a much nicer, safe place. However I have to learn to deal with sobriety in ALL situations. And whatever comes with those situations. Wether it’s the urge to drink, or people’s reactions.

I think the stress of the birthday party, the worry that everyone would enjoy it, the travelling and being back home in Wales, a place I’ve ALWAYS been drinking in has shifted me somehow. My sister and I travelled back to London Sunday morning as she and my younger (15) sister had a concert in Wembley to go to that evening. We are heading back down to Wales in the morning until the weekend to spend a bit more quality time with my mum. So I have my little sister staying here at the moment. I have given her my room and I’m crashing on the sofa. And that is totally fine, and I dont begrudge her that as a guest. But I am feeling grouchy and tired. I was used to waking up soberly every morning with a spring in my step and we’ll rested. The thought of heading back to Wales in the morning and spending 4 more nights not in my own bed fills me with dread. That sounds dramatic, but going to my bed, my little cocoon of peace clear headed always put a smile on my face and made me feel at ease. I think after this week I can get back to my routine and start to feel more settled.

With regards to other people’s reactions I think I just need to be Teflon! Let their negative energy bounce back off me. One of my traits is being one hell of a stubborn cow ha ha! The more people told me I should cut down on my drinking the more I refused to listen. I will now just be reversing that. The more people scoff at my not drinking makes me more determined to prove them wrong. I am not doing this for anyone else. I am doing it for me. But if their reactions spur me on, then hell…..i’ll take it!

I’m going to stop being a negative nelly now and remember the fact that it has been 22 days clean and sober. That is a HUGE achievement for me. I honestly can’t remember ever going this long before.

So fuck it……yey to me 😉 I may celebrate this evening with an icy bitter lemon in my beautiful hot pink sober glass and toast myself ha ha!

HAPPY MONDAY people 🙂 xxx

Negative energy….

Well I did it! Went to my Mum’s surprise birthday party last night and did it sober style. Woke up this morning clear headed and sober ready to tackle day 20 🙂 Wasn’t without its difficulties though…. had a massively busy day which was stressful. Reminder to myself…..never be the organiser of a surprise party again! Now I’m thinking about it, I don’t think I had any major cravings to drink yesterday. I mean, it was always in the back of my mind how natural and nice it would be to enjoy a glass of wine, but it didn’t affect me like it did a few days ago, when my whole body craved a drink. It was more a sort of fleeting feeling and then it went away. Which is good…..I can handle that better. I think the more sober days I have under my belt the more there is to lose for me. I don’t have the “maybe I will drink tonight” feeling anymore. In the early days, and in an early post I talked about actually planning on drinking one evening…..leaving the choice down to fate. Whether my sister came home with a bottle or not. Luckily for me she didn’t and the choice was out of my hands. I feel that now, I don’t have the internal battle of whether or not I want to continue on the sober journey. I have kind of come to terms with the fact that this is my life for the foreseeable future. Now I just deal with the day to day practicalities of actually BEING sober. And believe it or not, I think that is slightly easier.

The actual meal part of the evening last night wasn’t bad at all. Everyone was drinking around me, but I didn’t stand out at all as there were so many distractions that no body even noticed I was sipping a soft drink. When I was asked I just responded that I was driving and making sure everyone got home ok. After the meal I had arranged for everyone to come back to my Mum’s house for drinks and music…..general birthday merriment! This is where is became a little awkward for me.

My sister who has known for a while that I’ve laid off the booze knew I wasn’t drinking last night. But as soon as she had a few drinks in her she kind of turned a little bitter and nasty even, towards me. I was upset to be honest, and it made me feel really self conscious. Now, I am aware that she was pretty drunk herself as her, my friend from London we bought down with us and my aunt had been drinking A LOT of wine at the meal. And I would like to think that she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad, but that is exactly what she did. It was just little comments like “oh you’re such a boring bitch without a drink!”. I used the fact that I was the only sober adult present to look out for everyone and make sure nobody did anything too wild. So when I politely suggested at gone midnight that it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to vandalise the “for sale” sign outside our neighbours house, I was greeted by a chorus of “Ohhhhhhh god! Loosen up….just because your SOBER!!!” The word sober was spat as if it was something atrocious. It would have sounded just as horrible of they had shouted “Ohhhhhhh god! Loosen up….just because you’re a MURDERER!” It was spoken like being sober was something disgusting and socially unacceptable.  I honestly didn’t expect to get that reaction. And it only got worse the drunker people got. And I thought it would be the other way around. I assumed that as people slid into wine induced joviality nobody would give me a second thought.

I don’t really know what to do with how I feel about people’s reaction. As I have said before, I’m pretty well known in my family for being a massive drinker, so maybe it was just a surprise to see me sober at a party. My auntie actually said “gosh…..it just doesn’t seem right you not drinking with us”. I’m going to have to just hope that it becomes normality for the people around me too, so I don’t have to deal with the negativity. I have enough of that for myself.

Now this next little thought process is going to seem so self righteous…..but I noticed last night that drunk people are idiots! This will seem a little “you can bloody talk!” coming from me but it’s true. I know I only have 20 days sobriety, and I am in no place to pass judgement on people after my behaviour a lot of times, but I felt so annoyed with people last night! You literally can’t make a logical point to a Pissed person. It’s like sense and reason goes out of the window. They were playing fun drinking games, but some of the things that were being said and laughed at were so outrageous. I kept thinking I was so glad I wasn’t the one humiliating myself for a change. I had the luxury of ferrying people home, checking into the hotel I booked for my friend, my sister and myself and finally relaxing. While everyone else passed out for a restless and drunken sleep, I put my pj’s on, had a hot shower, made a cup of tea and watched a film. I woke up this morning and felt great. Physically great anyway. I still felt a little upset about the stick I got last night but I’m kind of over that now. Everyone else on the other hand………look and feel joke crap ha ha! I shouldn’t laugh, but I feel that this is karma for being mean to me last night 😉

Well I just read this back and it’s quite rambling so sorry about that. I’m going to go make myself lunch now as everyone else is having a hungover nap…..! I’ll leave you with a picture of the birthday cake…..and if they sleep much longer this bad boy is getting cut by ME mwaahaaahaaaa! (that was my evil laugh by the way)

Happy Saturday xxx

 

why am I finding this so hard????????

Saturday night. Still sober. Still glad of that fact. I think. Urghhh. I don’t even know what I think to be honest. I’ll start at the beginning of my day and work from there….

I found it quite difficult last night. Well no, not difficult just boring. My sister was out on her date, I was home alone. I’d planned my evening and it was quite nice. I just got bored. Quickly. So decided to change my bedsheets (always makes me feel good) and get into bed with a good book. I did and fell asleep. Fine and dandy.

I woke up this morning at 07:45….not on a work day that is UNHEARD of for me! but it felt fabulous 🙂 made a cup of tea and read in the quiet of the morning……in that moment I was so grateful and happy to have woken up sober and feeling fresh and rested. And I’ve had a good day. Been out shopping, had lunch in the sun in a beer garden…..As much as I’d love to say that the sight of an ice cold lager shandy made me sick…..it didn’t. It looked bloody delicious. BUT I ordered a pint of blackcurrent cordial and soda water and it was lovely. Cool and refreshing.

My sister poured herself a glass of wine when we got home this evening. It’s the 1st time we have had alcohol in the house since I decided to cut it out of my life. It hasn’t bothered me to be honest. And when she was drinking it earlier I didn’t bat an eyelid. But it’s a few hours later now….and I’m bored. Again. I know deep down I won’t enjoy drinking tonight. The thought of waiting to pass out due to necking glass after glass after glass of wine makes me feel quite sick if I’m honest. So why the hell am I laying here on the sofa feeling so restless and antsy??!!!?

I don’t understand it. I KNOW being drunk doesn’t feel good. I KNOW it will write my whole day off tomorrow. I KNOW I will feel ashamed of myself for having to have another “day one” and “fresh sober start”. So why the hell am I so fucking Pissed off with it all????!!!!

Sorry for the language.  Maybe this is normal and a feeling I just have ride out. The one positive I can say though, is that I know I will go to bed soon, sober and wake up in the morning feeling better for it.

🙂 x