Woop! Day 50….NAILED IT!

Well I never……day bloody 50! I have no idea how I’ve got here. I can honestly say I never in a million years thought I’d make it this far. And I can also honestly say that if it wasn’t for the accountability of this blog and the support and interaction from all you amazing and fabulous people I would never have been able to over come the stress and come this far.

Thank you 🙂

I feel so secretly proud of myself. I wake up most days now and don’t give being sober a second thought. It’s my reality now. But every now and again, I think about what I am achieving and have a secret little smile. This feels bloody good! It is SO worth the hard work at the beginning. I would never want to go back to that 1st few weeks. The constant cravings and constant worry. It was all such HARD work. Thoughts of booze were always running circles in my head. It all seemed like such a big deal. It’s all relaxed now a little. I don’t always think about the fact that I’m no longer drinking. I don’t need the constant little treats to pick me up and encourage me to keep going.

I think I mentioned in a previous post how I am enjoying just being quiet for a while. Settled. Calm. It’s nice 🙂

My work is my biggest stress factor at the moment. The prisoners drive me to distraction. I have had a constant headache the last 4 days as it has been SO hard. But even contemplating handling work with a constant hangover makes me amazed at how I EVER did it in that state.

Life is hard sometimes. It’s not perfect. It wouldn’t be MY life if I wasn’t moaning about something ha ha! But it is so much better without the constant haze of wine……

Here’s to 50 more sober days and many more after that…..

Happy monday 🙂 x

 

 

49 days…..

Well it’s day 49 of being sober and after the weekend I’ve had in work I very nearly haven’t made it to 50! I have had a bloody awful working weekend and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I haven’t felt the need to drink though, which is obviously good. Last night I did have another dreaded “drinking dream”. I was sat outside in the sun with two friends and I was causally drinking a pint of lager. Which is ridiculous as I don’t think I’ve ever drank a pint of lager. Anyway…..I had drank 3/4 of the drink and looked at the other two drinks on the table and my friends had barely had a sip. One friend turned to me and said “wow you’re drinking fast!” and it was only then it dawned on me…..shit! you’re not supposed to be drinking at all!! I felt gutted with myself in the dream and upset that my counter would have to be re-set to day one again. It did not however stop me from downing the rest of the dream drink. Think there’s a lesson to be learnt in there somewhere. Or maybe more of a premonition…..!

It was almost like my subconsious mind was reminding me that I CANNOT and more importantly, I DONT WANT to drink anymore. Because lo and behold….half way through my day today I though “sod this for a game of soldiers, I need wine tonight. And a shit load of it!” And that feeling has not left me all solid day. I am home now. I’ve eaten, showered the dirty prison grime off me and thought my desire for alcohol would have dissipated by now. It hasn’t 😦 All I want to do is sink as far as I possibly can into a bottle or 2 of wine. I just want to forget that I am a prison officer. I want to forget that I am expected to listen and tolerate vile abuse. I want to forget that I have had to fear for my safety on more than 4 occasions today. I want to forget that I have to walk back in there and pick up the pieces of this broken and shitty weekend tomorrow. And most of all, I want to forget that I am a bloody “problem drinker” (still can’t say alcoholic).

But I am. I am a problem drinker. So I have decided that the safest place for me is bed. It is still bright and practically daylight outside but I cannot be trusted not to get in my car, go to the shop and just say FUCK IT.

I want to make it to day 50 tomorrow morning. And I know that I will. I have just had a bad few days. But I have got through it without booze. And I will wake up tomorrow with a clear head and be grateful of the fact.

I don’t feel grateful right this minute. I feel like a bloody bear with a sore head! But this feeling will pass…….

Hope you lovely people out there have had a better weekend than moi! 🙂 xxx

Eurgh…..

Well this has been the longest I’ve gone without blogging. To be completely honest, I really couldn’t be bothered to blog tonight either. But that’s not good enough and I’ve been putting it off for too long now.

I’ve had a shitty week to be honest. Work has sucked. It’s sucked huge massive hairy balls. Ha! I’m still have 3 days of a 10 day stretch without a day off to do. It’s been volatile, long hours, the heat has been unbearable when your stuck in the world’s hottest uniform for 12 hours a day! Two of my close friends have been assaulted by prisoners in the last week, one this morning. All of which has put me in a bloody god awful, vile mood. I should come with a neon warning sign…..”DO NOT APPROACH!”

I haven’t been taking care of myself this week either. Being kind to myself and making sure I’m happy is a lot easier without a full time job to contend with! I have to learn to put some time aside every day for this. Blogging helps SO much. Every time one of you amazing people like a post or comment on a post gives me a little spur onwards and upwards…..by neglecting that this last week has left me feeling flat and miserable. I’ve just been so exhausted when I get home that a quick shower and bed is all I can manage. EURGH.

I’ll snap out of this, I’m just in a bit of a funk. I worked late Saturday night and had been sat chatting with a work friend of mine when she suddenly said quite seriously “is everything ok with you?” I replied yes….and asked why? and she said that she wanted to ask as she hadn’t seen me for 3 weeks and had noticed that day that I had out on A LOT of weight. Thanks. She wanted to know if I was ok, or was taking any medication that had a side effect of huge weight gain. BLOODY HELL. I wanted the ground to swallow me up so I could die a quiet painless death by humiliation. It’s no secret that in the past 18 months I have put on a considerable amount of weight. Down to the fact that I just didn’t give a shit about myself anymore. I was drowning in anxiety, stress, alcohol and food. I get it. I am responsible for my body. But it’s also my bloody business!!!!!!!!!!

I know this friend did not mean to hurt me or upset me intentionally. She was obviously concerned, and thought she was doing the right thing. I personally would never comment on someone’s appearance. Wether it’s weight loss or weigh gain. Not my business as far as I’m concerned. But I’m not mad at her……..but I can’t lie. As a woman it cut me to the core. I managed to get through the end of the shift, left work and sat in my car and sobbed. I sobbed my heart out. It made me feel fat, disgusting, ashamed, paranoid that everyone must be looking at me and commenting behind my back. I felt like a big disgusting lump. I still do. The last two days in work I have felt so uncomfortable. I wish so much that the weather was cold so I could hide my figure under a fleece. But unfortunately I’m having to parade myself around in the world’s most unflattering combats and polo shirt. LOVELY.

Worst thing is………she’s right. That’s why she upset me so much and I cried. It is the truth. I need to lose weight. It’s as simple as that. I know my clothes struggle to fit and I can see my body. I just have ignored it. I also feel like I can only deal with one massive problem at a time ya know?!?! I want to scream “GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!! I am battling the urge to drown my fat sorrows in a bottle of vodka right now…..can’t we just leave my belly out of it please?!?!?!?!” ha ha……….but I need to grow up and handle it like a grown up. Yes I want to be sober……but I also really don’t want to be a fatty anymore.

Time to find a balance kids! Easy peasy……………..oh god. Any tips on how to overcome a thousand problems all at once when all you feel like doing is inhaling the sugar bowl will be gratefully accepted 😉

Answers on a postcard!

Xxx

Day 31…..

Well I have passed my day 30 milestone. It went quite un ceremoniously….I didn’t mention it to anyone as I haven’t really told anyone that I have quit drinking as I believe I have a…..”dum dum duummmm…..drinking problem”. Most people know that i’m not drinking anymore but I feel that if I make people aware I am counting milestones…it becomes a big issue. I have mentioned in previous posts that I am enjoying the calm at the moment so don’t feel that a big issue is something I want to deal with right now.

Yesterday was just a normal day. I had work in the morning and dealt with HIGHLY frustrating situations. I honestly don’t know how I summon the patience sometimes not to scream or commit bloody murder and end up on the other side of the bars!!!!! I also don’t know how I coped in the job hungover. But if I want to be completely honest the job has to be a contributing factor as to why I drank so heavily. I have worked as a prison officer for just over 5years now. The 1st 3 years were great. The last two have been stressful and not enjoyable. It’s a hard job to understand if you are not in it. It’s a strange environment, that is only made bearable with the support and camaraderie of my amazing work mates. Long story short, I was assaulted badly by a prisoner March 2013. It was a targeted attack and frightened me. Apart from the injuries I sustained (bruises, swelling, two black eyes, broken nose and suspected broken eye socket) he knocked my confidence and made me feel vulnerable and weak like I never have before. I began to suffer anxiety attacks and sleeplessness afterwards and felt alcohol calmed me down and switched my thoughts off for a while. Which was rubbish to be honest,  because more often than not I ended up getting drunk, tearful and reminiscing on how awful the experience was. I couldn’t even pick a decent crutch for my emotional turmoil ha ha! The crutch I chose just made me worse….story of my life 😉

I have really struggled to be honest in getting used to being in work and around the kinds of threats I get given on a daily basis. I find it very hard to put it to the back of my mind and have a healthy emotional relationship with my chosen career….and myself I guess. I know that the constant boozing did fuck all to help me. It made everything a million times worse. I have not had a bout of crippling anxiety since I stopped. And that may just be coincidence, but I’d like to believe it’s because I’m more in touch with myself.

I am starting a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) this week. It was arranged a few months ago through work. I can’t help but feel so much more positive about going now, as sober, I feel I will engage and get A LOT more out of it. I’ll keep you updated 🙂

I guess this “stopping drinking” is just the 1st thing in a long line of things that need to be addressed when you accept you have a problem. And the physical act of Drinking may actually be quite easy in comparison to all the other work that you end up doing on yourself.

Gosh….enough to make you want a drink hey?! 😉 ha ha just kidding…..I’m off to make a cuppa…..

Happy Wednesday xxx

Touch and go day……

Well today started out fine. Up early as I had to travel an hour to pick up my lovely mums birthday cake. Took a good friend with me to help with directions and carry the cake back on his lap! We were chatting on the way and I opened up a little and explained that I had given up drinking. I didn’t massively go into it, and didn’t even mean to tell him. It just naturally occured in conversation. He didn’t even react that much. Just said that he understood and if that’s what I wanted then that’s great. Simple really. I didn’t say the words “I have a drinking problem” but I think he got the jist. This is good in the fact that he is coming to my mums surprise birthday party tomorrow, and it’s nice to have him in my corner. If he already knows I’m not drinking, I know now he won’t try and force it on me. So all good so far…..

On the way back home after picking up the cake and a tray of specially made cupcakes, thanks to aim IDIOT driver in front of me I very nearly had a massive crash in my car. I honestly, even now, hours after the incident do NOT know how I managed to stop my car in time. Thank god I did. During the massive slam of the brakes, the tray of cupcakes came flying off the back seat and crashed into the foot well. Needless to say they were fucked. Excuse my french! I pulled over as I was shaken, and my wonderful friend pieced them together as best he could. At the time, I obviously wasn’t really worried about the cakes, I was just glad I had avoided a huge accident. But still……they were for the party and we’re bloody expensive!

After this little incident I managed to get us home safe. And the cupcakes, although not perfect are actually fine. But by now the wheels were set in motion for me feeling a little on edge….. I instantly thought, “wow, what a day, can’t wait for a glass (bottle, let’s be honest) of wine later tonight”. But of course…..sober me can’t do that. I shrugged it off, had a Pepsi and headed back into town to pick up a few last minute bits. But the seed of doubt had been sewn…..:(

All evening I had that feeling…..kind of like a nervous, butterflies in stomach feeling. I felt that if I had a glass of wine, even just a sip, I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel better. At no point did I PLAN to drink. I just wanted to. Badly. It gets worse……

It was my friend Jess’ birthday today and she had invited a few of us to the pub for a birthday drink. Now normally that would be ok. I’ve been sober 18 days now and been to a pub a few days and been fine. But today I had craving coming out of every fibre and pore of me. I should have just made my excuses and stayed at home. But I got angry. “Why the hell should I let a friend down? Just because I can’t control myself??” so I got dressed and drove to the pub. Again I’d like to stress that at NO point did I plan to have a drink this evening, I just wanted one. The whole drive to the pub I had the feeling. The feeling I used to get on my way out for a drinking night. The anticipation of that 1st drink. How good it would make me feel….blah blah fucking blah. But this time the feeling was toxic. Because I knew I wouldn’t be having that drink. The 1st sip. So I knew the feeling would get worse and worse. I got to the pub, went to the bar and bought a pint of cider and black and a diet coke. The diet coke was for me 🙂 the cider for the birthday girl. As I sat at the big table chatting away I actually relaxed. I had no urge to go to the bar and order a wine. No urge to sip someone else’s drink. Just sat. Laughed along and listened to everyone. There was one moment when another friend of mine got up to buy a round of shots. He offered me one. I declined and said no thanks I’m driving. He looked at me and said “but I want one though……you’re not having one??”. it made me think that maybe I have always been the pisshead barometer for my friends. “Oh if she’s having one, we just as well”. That kind of thing. It made me feel a little sad if I’m honest. Sad that people probably all joked about how I was a “big drinker” the “any excuse for a beer” kind of girl. Hmmm….

Anyway. I declined and got another diet coke. As I sat there and watched one girl imparticular get more and more drunk I noticed how her behaviour changed. She was louder, ruder, drank more quickly than anyone else, got herself drinks in between rounds………….she was me. Or at least who I USED to be. It made me realise, that although i’m sure she was just letting off steam and is probably a “normal” drinker…..I did not want to be that girl again. If she stuck out to me.. then I obviously stuck out to everyone else for all these years. And for the wrong reasons.

Anyway…..I left before everyone else but that’s ok. I did my bit, I survived soberly, albeit by the skin of my teeth and I am now home. Deep breaths 🙂 To be honest, I could have done without this tonight, seeing as I’m already nervous about how I will cope at the party tomorrow. But hey……this is life now. I can’t change it. I just have to keep strong and remember, no matter how hard and painful a craving is…..I CAN ride it out. I just have to be patient.

The big slab of maderia cake I’m eating in bed as we speak has helped a little 😉 ha ha.

Night guys…..wish me luck for tomorrow xxx