Well wonders will never cease….a port star martini, a cosmopolitan and a diet coke. Mine was the diet coke. I DID IT! last night for the 1st time since this little journey began I went out to a bar and on to a night club completely sober. And something even more remarkable…..I suggested the evening!
My sister started a new job last week and her new manager is also a dj at a club near to us. He had mentioned that he could get us on the guest list any time we wanted to come down. We spent the day yesterday out shopping, and had a great little day and we’re both in a pretty good mood. I knew that as usual, there was nothing on Saturday night tv, so I suggested we go out that evening for a few drinks. I guess I just felt that I was strong enough to actually go out for the evening in that kind of environment and enjoy myself. I don’t know what has made me feel “ready” and I probably wasn’t 100% ready as some bits in the evening I did find a little challenging but it wasn’t as bad as I imagined it would be at the beginning of this. As soon as the girls I was with ordered and had their 1st drinks I felt a little more settled…..I had told myself that drinking was off the table for me and I just had to accept it. As soon as I did, I started to relax and enjoy myself. We got home after ferrying people around about 02:30am and i fell into bed mighty pleased with myself 🙂
While we were in the cocktail bar I spent a lot of the time people watching. I saw one girl, around early 20’s sat outside on the kerb, surrounded by dirty fag butt’s with her head in her hands. Obviously drunk beyond her boundries and feeling pretty grim. Her friend was stood beside her, stumbling over the pavement in her high heels, laughing and thinking the whole episode was quite hilarious. That would have been me. Not the girl with her head in her hands, as I have very very rarely been that out of control in public, but the friend laughing and thinking it was all really funny. Because when I was drinking, getting absolutely plastered was par for the course. Was normal. Expected. And a “funny little anecdote” to laugh about the next day. All I felt last night was a little sad for the girl. I knew that sick woozy feeling all too well…..the dread of knowing your absolutely wasted and have to get home. Knew how she would feel waking up today feeling like death warmed up. It just all looked so horrible…..and NOT funny in the slightest. A similar sight was seen in the nightclub. A guy this time attempted to sit down on a sofa against the wall, missed the small step and face planted on the floor, narrowly missing the huge marble table. All his friends fell about laughing, and the poor drunk guy managed to get himself up and slump on the sofa and laughed himself, all the while looking a little dazed and confused. I normally would have found this hilarious. Laughed and pointed him out to my friends and felt smug that I was Pissed….but not THAT Pissed 😉 But last night I realised it wasn’t actually that funny at all. It was sad….and bloody dangerous to be that incapacitated in public.
It unfortunately reminded me of MANY times I have fallen over and hurt myself on a night out. More often that not blaming it on my heels…..which were actually probably part of the problem as I do love a massive pair of heels 😉 ha ha! But actually had a lot more to do with the fact that I had drank myself into oblivion. One time sticks out to me…..I was out in a fabulous club in central London for a friend’s birthday. We had a penthouse table filled with bottles of vodka and champagne and all had a fabulous night. I however, was in my element. As for a change didn’t have to go to the bar every time I wanted a drink….it was right there in front of me to free pour. And free pour I did! The end of the night came and to exit the club we had to walk down about 14 flights of stairs. I made it all the way down the stairs, stepped outside of the club and then tumbled. I flew through the barriers of the club and landed on my face. I was VERY embarrassed as there were hundreds of people looking, I’d made a massive scene so jumped straight up and laughed it off on the way to the taxi. I made jokes and everyone thought it was hilarious. When the morning came I was covered in bruises and had a huge bruise and swelling on my cheek. MY CHEEK. I must have been SO beyond drunk that I had made no attempt to save myself. I just landed on the concrete with only my face as a buffer. I am lucky I didn’t do any more damage to myself.
When I think back to times like that, I feel shame and actually cringe at my behaviour. And it’s things like that, that make me proud of nights like last night. I was sober, fun, had a great time and was IN CONTROL of myself. Thank god.
I just had a chat in the phone to my best friend who is currently travelling the world with her fiance. She is the most fabulous person and a HUGE supporter of me. Always has been. She’s been there for me emotionally since I’ve known her, through my struggles at work etc. I decided to open up and tell her about my drinking struggles a few days ago. She was fabulous. And it took a massive weight off my shoulders. She is the 1st one of my friends I have admitted that I have a drinking problem to. And I’m so glad I did. Maybe I did it as I know she is half way around the world and that felt safer…..theres A Lot of space between us to act as a buffer ha ha! But like I said, I’m happy I told her. It makes it real. It’s like I have a silent cheerleader in my corner. She didn’t judge, wasn’t shocked, didn’t act like I was crazy….just listened and said she supported me. I can’t explain how happy that made me. I feel now, if I picked up a drink I wouldn’t just be letting myself down, I’d be letting her down. I would hate to do that. I haven’t been the best friend to her I could. My drinking has got in the way. It makes me deeply ashamed to admit that I have avoided a Skype call from her in the past due to being hungover. That is not acceptable. She didn’t deserve that. If she could make time for me on the other side of the world, and I couldn’t pull myself together enough to even answer the phone…..well it’s disgusting. But no more! 🙂 She has just been telling me she spent 5 days jungle trekking in bourneo…..if she can do that i can nail this sobriety thing no problem 😉
Well I’m off to make some lunch….sober 🙂 43 days…..thats pretty cool.
Happy Sunday xxx
OOOOOPS! My mistake. ..its 42 days today. Math has never been my strong point 😉