I’m really struggling today. The last few days if I’m honest. I’ve been having a crappy few weeks with work and other stuff. And i haven’t drank. Even though I’ve thought about it a few times. It’s day 68 today. That is a lot to lose. And I dont want to lose those days. I guess I’m just feeling annoyed at the moment. I’m annoyed that I can’t be the sort of person that goes out on a Friday night with friends and can let her hair down with a few cocktails and a dance.
I wonder what would happen if I did just go out and get drunk tonight. Would it mean that my destructive behaviour patterns would start again? Would the last 68 days mean I had learnt nothing? Or would I have been out for one night and then I could leave it all behind me and go back to being sober again? I wish I could give myself an answer. If the answer was that I could have a night out every so often and drink like a normal person and it not become obsessive like it used to be then I would. I really fucking would. But I don’t know that. I don’t want to go back to how I was before. Drinking every other night on my own, because I couldn’t NOT pick up those two bottles of wine and drink them.
I know deep down that I can’t drink anymore. I know I never want to be who I was 68 days ago. Desperate and upset with myself, staring down a LONG battle and thinking to myself that I could never do it. I did do it. I haven’t slipped and thought “fuck it all”. But for some reason today the cravings have hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m finding it REALLY hard to talk myself out of having a drink tonight.
I keep hearing a voice in my head, I had it just now as I typed the last sentence. It’s saying “you can drink for one night. You won’t rush back like a steam train to where you used to be. You have grown and come so far. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I know that that voice is the drink demon, or wolfie as Belle and so many others call it. But that’s the thing…..right now I don’t buy that voice being some mythical drink demon voice. It sounds like mine and a common sense voice at that.
Oh I don’t know what I’m trying to get at here with this post. It sounds like I’m trying to justify myself IF I did go out and drink tonight. I have no plans to. But what if I did?
Right now as it stands I am going to the gym when my sister finishes work and hopefully by then these feelings will have past.