Struggling…

I’m really struggling today. The last few days if I’m honest. I’ve been having a crappy few weeks with work and other stuff. And i haven’t drank. Even though I’ve thought about it a few times. It’s day 68 today. That is a lot to lose. And I dont want to lose those days. I guess I’m just feeling annoyed at the moment. I’m annoyed that I can’t be the sort of person that goes out on a Friday night with friends and can let her hair down with a few cocktails and a dance.

I wonder what would happen if I did just go out and get drunk tonight. Would it mean that my destructive behaviour patterns would start again? Would the last 68 days mean I had learnt nothing? Or would I have been out for one night and then I could leave it all behind me and go back to being sober again? I wish I could give myself an answer. If the answer was that I could have a night out every so often and drink like a normal person and it not become obsessive like it used to be then I would. I really fucking would. But I don’t know that. I don’t want to go back to how I was before. Drinking every other night on my own, because I couldn’t NOT pick up those two bottles of wine and drink them.

I know deep down that I can’t drink anymore. I know I never want to be who I was 68 days ago. Desperate and upset with myself, staring down a LONG battle and thinking to myself that I could never do it. I did do it. I haven’t slipped and thought “fuck it all”. But for some reason today the cravings have hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m finding it REALLY hard to talk myself out of having a drink tonight.

I keep hearing a voice in my head, I had it just now as I typed the last sentence. It’s saying “you can drink for one night. You won’t rush back like a steam train to where you used to be. You have grown and come so far. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I know that that voice is the drink demon, or wolfie as Belle and so many others call it. But that’s the thing…..right now I don’t buy that voice being some mythical drink demon voice. It sounds like mine and a common sense voice at that.

Oh I don’t know what I’m trying to get at here with this post. It sounds like I’m trying to justify myself IF I did go out and drink tonight. I have no plans to. But what if I did?

Right now as it stands I am going to the gym when my sister finishes work and hopefully by then these feelings will have past.

X

60 Days sober…..so why do I feel so flat?

Today marks my 60th day sober. I was so looking forward to this milestone. I don’t even know why, but I guess I thought 60 days sounded quite significant. But it’s here and I feel flat. Disappointed almost. It’s so stupid, because nothing bad has really happened. I have no reason to feel like shit really. Work isn’t exactly the best right now and that is tipping me over the edge into “anxious ville”. That horrible feeling of nervous energy rushing through my veins and a sinking feeling every time work enters my brain. I really wish I could leave that place. It’s so bloody stressful but I’m trapped in a money trap. The job pays really well. There is very little out there job wise anyway at the moment, and what there is would involve me taking a 10,000 pay cut. And that as you can imagine is just IMPOSSIBLE.

The worst thing is, my work troubles I tend to have orchestrated for myself. I always as long as I can remember have stuck my head in the sand and waited for things to run their course or blow over, rather than face issues head on. If I can put something off…..I will. I have always found it easier to just bury my head, put my fingers in my ears and pretend things aren’t happening. I need to grow the hell up. I am a 28 year old woman and I need to start taking responsibility for myself. I can’t expect everyone else to make allowances for my shortcomings. But of course, all this us easier said than done. I am so annoyed with myself that because I am feeling crappy about work, that I have ruined what should be a good day for myself.

Eurgh!!! I wish I could shake this feeling. I’m going to head to the gym in a while and try and work some of this nervous and negative energy off me. Although if I’m completely honest, I am in agony from my 1st PT session yesterday! My good lord….all these times I thought I was actually working out, I was WRONG! I actually thought I was going to throw up yesterday ha! It felt good afterwards though. I am determined that my diet and fitness regime is going to pay off. So even if I’m feeling crappy on the inside, i might start to look better on the outside.

Well this is certainly a negative nelly post. I’m kind of sad about that, but this is supposed to be an honest blog and this us honestly how I’m feeling right now. Important thing is…..I have no desire to drink right now. One day at a time. And for today….day 60…. I will not drink.

 

Ok….life aint that bad ;)

Well since my rather foul mouthed post, things have turned a corner. My sister is 100 times better than she was which is fantastic. The appointment at the hospital, although stressful, actually ended in a diagnosis of some sorts and a way to move forward. She will get better, albeit slowly, and there should be no lasting damage fingers crossed. She has still not been discharged, but is being dealt with as an outpatient and they are confident that her next appointment with the liver specialist will show full recovery and she can move on from the whole thing. 🙂

So many of you wonderful people out there reminded me that I could not have fully been there for her had I been drinking. I think I forgot that. All I was doing was dwelling on the negative time we were having, and forgot to realise that actually, I did a pretty good job at being a grown up ha ha! If I had been drinking, I would not have been able to take charge like I did. I would have spent the time at the hospital horrifically hungover, and shamefully, would have maybe not even taken the initiative and taken her there in the 1st place. Gosh, that cuts me deep. But it is the harsh truth. I would have continued to let her suffer because it would have been too much of an effort to spend hours somewhere else, when I could be at home drinking or recovering from a hangover. Luckily I was doing neither!

I also think my Mum would have 100% not trusted me to have been looking after her properly and would have taken time off work and driven to London from Wales to take charge. Thankfully she didn’t need to do that. I was responsible, took care of her, took care of the house and everything that comes with that and I hope that my sister deep down knows that I am grateful I was able to do that for her.

I really am focusing this week on snapping out of “negative nelly” mode. Countless times last week I thought “Arghhh screw this I want a drink”. I even said to my Mum on the phone saturday night “not drinking is SO boring”. As my mother pointed out…..I was being an arse hole! ha ha….gotta love your Mum to give you the harsh truth 😉 she was right though, I was just being an arse hole. I do NOT want to waste one more day of my life being hungover. It’s bloody awful. I do not want to go back to the hangover shame. And saying the stupid stuff I used to when drunk. I do not want to cause anymore arguments with people I care for over nothing. I had a little chat with the man friend I mentioned in the last post the other day, and casually mentioned how many days I had gone without drinking and was he proud of me? (I haven’t actually told him I have a drinking problem, I just said I was quitting for a while as a challenge to myself). He said yes he was proud but “you weren’t exactly an alcoholic were you?”. I decided to approach it equally as casually but honestly. I told him that I do and say stupid things when I’m drunk, and asked him to remember all the times in the last 16months I have turned on him and caused a row because I was drunk. He said “too many. You did it all the time”. He is right. I told him that I wasn’t proud of that behaviour and didn’t ever want to do that again. Being the man child that he is, he said “cool” ha ha! I wasn’t expecting anymore, but I am glad I acknowledged to him that I was sorry for my past behaviour. We have a complicated relationship, and I don’t think we will end up married and happily ever after, but I do care about him and value him as a friend. He’s seen me at my worst and still sticks around so hey….thats something!

Sooooo… in other crazy news….. I have taken the plunge! I joined a bloody gym. My phone just auto corrected the word “gym” to “yum” ha! Says it all really 😉 I have zero will power to do this fitness thing alone, so me and my sister have grabbed the proverbial bull by its horns and joined. Here’s hoping I become a dedicated YUM bunny overnight 😉

Have a wonderful monday 🙂

Life can be a bitch.

Eurgh! Just a little warning….this post will be a rant and a moan of epic proportions. It is highly likely to be littered with naughty language and on the whole will be a bit “woe is me”. Read on if you dare!

Today has sucked. My sister has been really ill for a few weeks now, with an unknown virus type illness. Her symptoms are plenty and wide ranging so it has been hard to pin down what is wrong with her or what I can do to help her. After a very unhelpful visit to her GP (I won’t even get started on that!) I ended up taking her to A&E last Friday night as she was desperately ill and showing no signs of recovery. She had standard blood tests done and was sent home for rest and re cooperation as they couldn’t really tell what was wrong. Fine. No problem. Except there is. She has not eaten more than a mouthful of a meal in 2 weeks now. Her temp is still raging. She sleeps allllllllll day every day. Cannot get through more than a few hours of work before she is sent home. She has NO energy and is suffering with excruciating pains in her lower stomach. She came to me this morning in tears and looked pitiful. I immediately took her back to the hospital.

After 5 hours of waiting and being told by several doctors she had a flu type virus and there was nothing they could do, I showed them the strange rash on her legs that has appeared over the last few days. Everyone we saw chose to ignore that and not even look at it. I got very indignant, and in the most polite way I could muster, demanded they run more than the standard tests. Cue another few hours wait. By this time my poor exhausted sister was begging me to take her home so she could lay down and sleep. And thank goodness I refused. We were taken into a room where the doctor confirmed after further screens there WAS in fact a problem. And here is where I get angry. It’s her liver.

Her liver. Apparently a test they ran showed results of 1250….a normal figure on that test should be below 50. I am no doctor, and don’t know what the test was, but I know that’s not good. They were going to SEND HER HOME. AGAIN!!!!!!!! They immediately arranged for more blood to be taken to run more detailed tests and have given us an emergency appointment with a liver specialist in the assessment unit tomorrow morning. At least I got to take her home this evening. She is now asleep in bed after eating a small amount.

The thing that kills me is that it’s her liver. Hang on a minute bloody gods of fate! Are you having a bloody laugh here?! Is this supposed to be some cruel and twisted joke?! I’M the bloody one who has stupidly turned her liver inside out with my disgusting drinking habits. Why is my sister who very rarely drinks these days the one suffering?? And the sickest part of the joke?? I really really want a fucking drink tonight. Go figure that one.

Men are knobs too! Ha! Just thought I’d throw that one in there while i’m on an almighty screaming match run. It would take a whole other blog to explain about the man who has been in and out of my life the last 15 months. But he, who is normally always there for me when I need them managed to bloody piss me off and let me down tonight too. So I have had an almighty row with him. My sister is really sick and we don’t yet know what’s wrong. And I have been sat for the last few hours silently seething. At everything, anything and nothing all at once.

This would all be SO much easier if I just got Pissed. Not just one glass of wine. Nope. PISSED. But all I’ve had is two bloody cups of tea that I didn’t even enjoy because I’ve run out of may favourite tea bags. WOE IS ME.

I bloody hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow. I will wake up sober. I know that. But the mood better match.

Sorry for the rant!

 

Different kinds of kind….

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Well a day late as I’m on 51 days sober now, I decided to treat myself to a beautiful new tea cup and some fruit teas to celebrate! I am trying to steer clear of sugar and fat laden treats now as I am trying to lose weight. Ick. Ha ha! But I think now I have a big chunk of sober behind me, it’s time to start tackling other problems. My weight has really started to get me down, and having a clear head I really now have no excuse not to try and do something about it. I want to. I was looking at old pictures of myself last night and was amazed to see just how different I used to look. I want to feel good about myself again in ALL aspects and for me, dropping a few pounds and being healthier all round will achieve that.

I’ve heard a million times how exercise makes you feel good. Clears your mind, releases endorphins etc etc……I am the anomaly. I bloody hate it! A few years back I was a member of a gym and used to go religiously at least 3 or 4 times a week. I was in the best shape I’ve ever been in, slim and fit. People used to say “don’t you just feel great after a work out?!” my reply was “no not really”. I never ever got the buzz everyone banged on about! I still went, because I knew it was good for me and I liked the way my body looked. But I did it because I had to. Not because I enjoyed it. How frustrating ha ha!

But in the vein of finding different ways to be kind to myself, I decided that today was the day for change. I got into gym gear, dusted off my trainers and went for a run. I am lucky to live very close to a beautiful riverfront. So there I traipsed, and just started running. Well…..running might be a stretch of my imagination. Let’s say, I started jogging. Badly ha! But hey, whatever you want to call it I moved. I was quite shocked at how unfit I had become, so after a lap of a big field next to the river I cooled down. Then decided to do some interval training shuttle runs. My legs were burning, my heart was pounding and I was sweating like no one’s business! But I persevered and actually did something. It helped that it started raining, and oddly I really quite enjoyed running in the rain. Didn’t think I would! So to be kind to myself, and more importantly, my body I will do the same tomorrow. I am interested to see, over time how much more I can do. How much further I can run. It’s almost like the early days of this journey. When the hours went by like days and everything was an uphill struggle…..but the more I trained myself to live without alcohol the easier it got. So here’s hoping the more I train to become fit again, the easier it gets! 🙂

My beautiful and thoughtful friend, the only person I have honestly confided in about my drinking problem sent me the most fabulous gift in the post. As I mentioned previously, her and her fiance are currently travelling the world so for her to think of me and send me such a thoughtful gift, really touched me. I am going to keep it in my purse, as she suggested, as a conscious reminder of how far I have come and how much I don’t want to go back to my old ways. She was kind to me…..and I love her for that. Here is a picture of her gift…..IMG_00001124

Hope everyone has a fabulous Tuesday xxx

Woop! Day 50….NAILED IT!

Well I never……day bloody 50! I have no idea how I’ve got here. I can honestly say I never in a million years thought I’d make it this far. And I can also honestly say that if it wasn’t for the accountability of this blog and the support and interaction from all you amazing and fabulous people I would never have been able to over come the stress and come this far.

Thank you 🙂

I feel so secretly proud of myself. I wake up most days now and don’t give being sober a second thought. It’s my reality now. But every now and again, I think about what I am achieving and have a secret little smile. This feels bloody good! It is SO worth the hard work at the beginning. I would never want to go back to that 1st few weeks. The constant cravings and constant worry. It was all such HARD work. Thoughts of booze were always running circles in my head. It all seemed like such a big deal. It’s all relaxed now a little. I don’t always think about the fact that I’m no longer drinking. I don’t need the constant little treats to pick me up and encourage me to keep going.

I think I mentioned in a previous post how I am enjoying just being quiet for a while. Settled. Calm. It’s nice 🙂

My work is my biggest stress factor at the moment. The prisoners drive me to distraction. I have had a constant headache the last 4 days as it has been SO hard. But even contemplating handling work with a constant hangover makes me amazed at how I EVER did it in that state.

Life is hard sometimes. It’s not perfect. It wouldn’t be MY life if I wasn’t moaning about something ha ha! But it is so much better without the constant haze of wine……

Here’s to 50 more sober days and many more after that…..

Happy monday 🙂 x

 

 

49 days…..

Well it’s day 49 of being sober and after the weekend I’ve had in work I very nearly haven’t made it to 50! I have had a bloody awful working weekend and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I haven’t felt the need to drink though, which is obviously good. Last night I did have another dreaded “drinking dream”. I was sat outside in the sun with two friends and I was causally drinking a pint of lager. Which is ridiculous as I don’t think I’ve ever drank a pint of lager. Anyway…..I had drank 3/4 of the drink and looked at the other two drinks on the table and my friends had barely had a sip. One friend turned to me and said “wow you’re drinking fast!” and it was only then it dawned on me…..shit! you’re not supposed to be drinking at all!! I felt gutted with myself in the dream and upset that my counter would have to be re-set to day one again. It did not however stop me from downing the rest of the dream drink. Think there’s a lesson to be learnt in there somewhere. Or maybe more of a premonition…..!

It was almost like my subconsious mind was reminding me that I CANNOT and more importantly, I DONT WANT to drink anymore. Because lo and behold….half way through my day today I though “sod this for a game of soldiers, I need wine tonight. And a shit load of it!” And that feeling has not left me all solid day. I am home now. I’ve eaten, showered the dirty prison grime off me and thought my desire for alcohol would have dissipated by now. It hasn’t 😦 All I want to do is sink as far as I possibly can into a bottle or 2 of wine. I just want to forget that I am a prison officer. I want to forget that I am expected to listen and tolerate vile abuse. I want to forget that I have had to fear for my safety on more than 4 occasions today. I want to forget that I have to walk back in there and pick up the pieces of this broken and shitty weekend tomorrow. And most of all, I want to forget that I am a bloody “problem drinker” (still can’t say alcoholic).

But I am. I am a problem drinker. So I have decided that the safest place for me is bed. It is still bright and practically daylight outside but I cannot be trusted not to get in my car, go to the shop and just say FUCK IT.

I want to make it to day 50 tomorrow morning. And I know that I will. I have just had a bad few days. But I have got through it without booze. And I will wake up tomorrow with a clear head and be grateful of the fact.

I don’t feel grateful right this minute. I feel like a bloody bear with a sore head! But this feeling will pass…….

Hope you lovely people out there have had a better weekend than moi! 🙂 xxx