Well I have passed my day 30 milestone. It went quite un ceremoniously….I didn’t mention it to anyone as I haven’t really told anyone that I have quit drinking as I believe I have a…..”dum dum duummmm…..drinking problem”. Most people know that i’m not drinking anymore but I feel that if I make people aware I am counting milestones…it becomes a big issue. I have mentioned in previous posts that I am enjoying the calm at the moment so don’t feel that a big issue is something I want to deal with right now.
Yesterday was just a normal day. I had work in the morning and dealt with HIGHLY frustrating situations. I honestly don’t know how I summon the patience sometimes not to scream or commit bloody murder and end up on the other side of the bars!!!!! I also don’t know how I coped in the job hungover. But if I want to be completely honest the job has to be a contributing factor as to why I drank so heavily. I have worked as a prison officer for just over 5years now. The 1st 3 years were great. The last two have been stressful and not enjoyable. It’s a hard job to understand if you are not in it. It’s a strange environment, that is only made bearable with the support and camaraderie of my amazing work mates. Long story short, I was assaulted badly by a prisoner March 2013. It was a targeted attack and frightened me. Apart from the injuries I sustained (bruises, swelling, two black eyes, broken nose and suspected broken eye socket) he knocked my confidence and made me feel vulnerable and weak like I never have before. I began to suffer anxiety attacks and sleeplessness afterwards and felt alcohol calmed me down and switched my thoughts off for a while. Which was rubbish to be honest, because more often than not I ended up getting drunk, tearful and reminiscing on how awful the experience was. I couldn’t even pick a decent crutch for my emotional turmoil ha ha! The crutch I chose just made me worse….story of my life 😉
I have really struggled to be honest in getting used to being in work and around the kinds of threats I get given on a daily basis. I find it very hard to put it to the back of my mind and have a healthy emotional relationship with my chosen career….and myself I guess. I know that the constant boozing did fuck all to help me. It made everything a million times worse. I have not had a bout of crippling anxiety since I stopped. And that may just be coincidence, but I’d like to believe it’s because I’m more in touch with myself.
I am starting a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) this week. It was arranged a few months ago through work. I can’t help but feel so much more positive about going now, as sober, I feel I will engage and get A LOT more out of it. I’ll keep you updated 🙂
I guess this “stopping drinking” is just the 1st thing in a long line of things that need to be addressed when you accept you have a problem. And the physical act of Drinking may actually be quite easy in comparison to all the other work that you end up doing on yourself.
Gosh….enough to make you want a drink hey?! 😉 ha ha just kidding…..I’m off to make a cuppa…..
Happy Wednesday xxx
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