Day 31…..

Well I have passed my day 30 milestone. It went quite un ceremoniously….I didn’t mention it to anyone as I haven’t really told anyone that I have quit drinking as I believe I have a…..”dum dum duummmm…..drinking problem”. Most people know that i’m not drinking anymore but I feel that if I make people aware I am counting milestones…it becomes a big issue. I have mentioned in previous posts that I am enjoying the calm at the moment so don’t feel that a big issue is something I want to deal with right now.

Yesterday was just a normal day. I had work in the morning and dealt with HIGHLY frustrating situations. I honestly don’t know how I summon the patience sometimes not to scream or commit bloody murder and end up on the other side of the bars!!!!! I also don’t know how I coped in the job hungover. But if I want to be completely honest the job has to be a contributing factor as to why I drank so heavily. I have worked as a prison officer for just over 5years now. The 1st 3 years were great. The last two have been stressful and not enjoyable. It’s a hard job to understand if you are not in it. It’s a strange environment, that is only made bearable with the support and camaraderie of my amazing work mates. Long story short, I was assaulted badly by a prisoner March 2013. It was a targeted attack and frightened me. Apart from the injuries I sustained (bruises, swelling, two black eyes, broken nose and suspected broken eye socket) he knocked my confidence and made me feel vulnerable and weak like I never have before. I began to suffer anxiety attacks and sleeplessness afterwards and felt alcohol calmed me down and switched my thoughts off for a while. Which was rubbish to be honest,  because more often than not I ended up getting drunk, tearful and reminiscing on how awful the experience was. I couldn’t even pick a decent crutch for my emotional turmoil ha ha! The crutch I chose just made me worse….story of my life 😉

I have really struggled to be honest in getting used to being in work and around the kinds of threats I get given on a daily basis. I find it very hard to put it to the back of my mind and have a healthy emotional relationship with my chosen career….and myself I guess. I know that the constant boozing did fuck all to help me. It made everything a million times worse. I have not had a bout of crippling anxiety since I stopped. And that may just be coincidence, but I’d like to believe it’s because I’m more in touch with myself.

I am starting a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) this week. It was arranged a few months ago through work. I can’t help but feel so much more positive about going now, as sober, I feel I will engage and get A LOT more out of it. I’ll keep you updated 🙂

I guess this “stopping drinking” is just the 1st thing in a long line of things that need to be addressed when you accept you have a problem. And the physical act of Drinking may actually be quite easy in comparison to all the other work that you end up doing on yourself.

Gosh….enough to make you want a drink hey?! 😉 ha ha just kidding…..I’m off to make a cuppa…..

Happy Wednesday xxx

Just leave me the hell alone!!

Happy to report I am still sober and feeling strong. I just wish that the people in my life would butt out and leave me alone. I may be being over sensitive, but every time someone says “so why aren’t you drinking?” I feel like punching them in the face. I feel like a spotlight has been thrown on my face, blinding my eyes and everyone is staring at me. Why the hell is it such a big deal to everyone?! (I am feeling very ranty today so I apologise in advance….). I feel like people are picking on me….and this probably is all in my imagination but I can’t help it. for example, I FINALLY after losing it 6years ago (drunkenly) renewed my driving license. it was always a bit of a pain when going clubbing as it was my ID. I’m 28 years old but still get ID’d a lot. So it came a few days ago and my sister said in a snide fashion “no point in even having that anymore, now you don’t drink.” she also made the same point whilst we were having lunch out with friends today. Everyone laughed along and cracked a joke, and I felt I had to too. I feel that to explain my sobriety away, I have to pretend that it’s a chore and something I don’t want to do. But that isn’t the truth. I WANT to be sober. I have no major desire to be drunk.

I think my major fear is that people will now assume I’m “boring” because I don’t get shit faced on a regular basis. I mean, just because I don’t choose to throw filth down my neck, act and look like a complete idiot and waste obscene amounts of money on booze, doesnt mean I can’t have fun and be ME.

Arghhh I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m feeling. To be honest I’m probably more annoyed at myself than anyone else as this is all my fault. If I hadn’t been such a bad drinker and idiot for so long this wouldn’t be an issue.

I’m going to sign off now because I’m just wallowing and getting myself more annoyed!

Speak soon x

Ok……take two on this post! I walked away, had a cold drink with plenty of ice (diet pepsi!) and ran myself a nice cool bubble bath. It’s boiling here in London, that’s why it wasn’t a hot bubble bath! I am a bit more focused and relaxed now and can maybe have a little more perspective on how I’m feeling.

I’ve had a really busy week. I am used to being in my own comfy sober bubble. I can handle that. It was a much nicer, safe place. However I have to learn to deal with sobriety in ALL situations. And whatever comes with those situations. Wether it’s the urge to drink, or people’s reactions.

I think the stress of the birthday party, the worry that everyone would enjoy it, the travelling and being back home in Wales, a place I’ve ALWAYS been drinking in has shifted me somehow. My sister and I travelled back to London Sunday morning as she and my younger (15) sister had a concert in Wembley to go to that evening. We are heading back down to Wales in the morning until the weekend to spend a bit more quality time with my mum. So I have my little sister staying here at the moment. I have given her my room and I’m crashing on the sofa. And that is totally fine, and I dont begrudge her that as a guest. But I am feeling grouchy and tired. I was used to waking up soberly every morning with a spring in my step and we’ll rested. The thought of heading back to Wales in the morning and spending 4 more nights not in my own bed fills me with dread. That sounds dramatic, but going to my bed, my little cocoon of peace clear headed always put a smile on my face and made me feel at ease. I think after this week I can get back to my routine and start to feel more settled.

With regards to other people’s reactions I think I just need to be Teflon! Let their negative energy bounce back off me. One of my traits is being one hell of a stubborn cow ha ha! The more people told me I should cut down on my drinking the more I refused to listen. I will now just be reversing that. The more people scoff at my not drinking makes me more determined to prove them wrong. I am not doing this for anyone else. I am doing it for me. But if their reactions spur me on, then hell…..i’ll take it!

I’m going to stop being a negative nelly now and remember the fact that it has been 22 days clean and sober. That is a HUGE achievement for me. I honestly can’t remember ever going this long before.

So fuck it……yey to me 😉 I may celebrate this evening with an icy bitter lemon in my beautiful hot pink sober glass and toast myself ha ha!

HAPPY MONDAY people 🙂 xxx

Negative energy….

Well I did it! Went to my Mum’s surprise birthday party last night and did it sober style. Woke up this morning clear headed and sober ready to tackle day 20 🙂 Wasn’t without its difficulties though…. had a massively busy day which was stressful. Reminder to myself…..never be the organiser of a surprise party again! Now I’m thinking about it, I don’t think I had any major cravings to drink yesterday. I mean, it was always in the back of my mind how natural and nice it would be to enjoy a glass of wine, but it didn’t affect me like it did a few days ago, when my whole body craved a drink. It was more a sort of fleeting feeling and then it went away. Which is good…..I can handle that better. I think the more sober days I have under my belt the more there is to lose for me. I don’t have the “maybe I will drink tonight” feeling anymore. In the early days, and in an early post I talked about actually planning on drinking one evening…..leaving the choice down to fate. Whether my sister came home with a bottle or not. Luckily for me she didn’t and the choice was out of my hands. I feel that now, I don’t have the internal battle of whether or not I want to continue on the sober journey. I have kind of come to terms with the fact that this is my life for the foreseeable future. Now I just deal with the day to day practicalities of actually BEING sober. And believe it or not, I think that is slightly easier.

The actual meal part of the evening last night wasn’t bad at all. Everyone was drinking around me, but I didn’t stand out at all as there were so many distractions that no body even noticed I was sipping a soft drink. When I was asked I just responded that I was driving and making sure everyone got home ok. After the meal I had arranged for everyone to come back to my Mum’s house for drinks and music…..general birthday merriment! This is where is became a little awkward for me.

My sister who has known for a while that I’ve laid off the booze knew I wasn’t drinking last night. But as soon as she had a few drinks in her she kind of turned a little bitter and nasty even, towards me. I was upset to be honest, and it made me feel really self conscious. Now, I am aware that she was pretty drunk herself as her, my friend from London we bought down with us and my aunt had been drinking A LOT of wine at the meal. And I would like to think that she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad, but that is exactly what she did. It was just little comments like “oh you’re such a boring bitch without a drink!”. I used the fact that I was the only sober adult present to look out for everyone and make sure nobody did anything too wild. So when I politely suggested at gone midnight that it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to vandalise the “for sale” sign outside our neighbours house, I was greeted by a chorus of “Ohhhhhhh god! Loosen up….just because your SOBER!!!” The word sober was spat as if it was something atrocious. It would have sounded just as horrible of they had shouted “Ohhhhhhh god! Loosen up….just because you’re a MURDERER!” It was spoken like being sober was something disgusting and socially unacceptable.  I honestly didn’t expect to get that reaction. And it only got worse the drunker people got. And I thought it would be the other way around. I assumed that as people slid into wine induced joviality nobody would give me a second thought.

I don’t really know what to do with how I feel about people’s reaction. As I have said before, I’m pretty well known in my family for being a massive drinker, so maybe it was just a surprise to see me sober at a party. My auntie actually said “gosh…..it just doesn’t seem right you not drinking with us”. I’m going to have to just hope that it becomes normality for the people around me too, so I don’t have to deal with the negativity. I have enough of that for myself.

Now this next little thought process is going to seem so self righteous…..but I noticed last night that drunk people are idiots! This will seem a little “you can bloody talk!” coming from me but it’s true. I know I only have 20 days sobriety, and I am in no place to pass judgement on people after my behaviour a lot of times, but I felt so annoyed with people last night! You literally can’t make a logical point to a Pissed person. It’s like sense and reason goes out of the window. They were playing fun drinking games, but some of the things that were being said and laughed at were so outrageous. I kept thinking I was so glad I wasn’t the one humiliating myself for a change. I had the luxury of ferrying people home, checking into the hotel I booked for my friend, my sister and myself and finally relaxing. While everyone else passed out for a restless and drunken sleep, I put my pj’s on, had a hot shower, made a cup of tea and watched a film. I woke up this morning and felt great. Physically great anyway. I still felt a little upset about the stick I got last night but I’m kind of over that now. Everyone else on the other hand………look and feel joke crap ha ha! I shouldn’t laugh, but I feel that this is karma for being mean to me last night 😉

Well I just read this back and it’s quite rambling so sorry about that. I’m going to go make myself lunch now as everyone else is having a hungover nap…..! I’ll leave you with a picture of the birthday cake…..and if they sleep much longer this bad boy is getting cut by ME mwaahaaahaaaa! (that was my evil laugh by the way)

Happy Saturday xxx

 

Different tactics!!

Ok, I am going to try a different blogging tactic. I always seem to write in the evening as it is easier….but by then I have by passed all my positive and happy thoughts and the doubts creep in. So I want to get down in print how good I feel at the moment, morning time hangover free, to look back on and give myself some encouragement.

So I woke up this morning and had a little lie in….got up with the sun streaming through the window and felt good. Clear headed, no sick feeling in my stomach, no dirty wine after taste in my throat and RESTED. It seems so stupid but I forgot how good sleep was! When it is proper, sober restful Sleep. Whoever invented it is a genius ha ha! It really does the job 😉

When hungover (which as you know was every other day) I would look at my lovely little flat and dread the simple things like wash the old cup or plate from the night before. Straighten up the living room, hang the washing out etc etc. Simple things that make your living environment better. Obviously I would do these things eventually. I didn’t live in squalor! I just would put it off until I HAD to do them. For example before my sister got in. But this morning I got straight up, cleaned a few bits in the kitchen, sorted out some washing and straightened up the living room. It felt good. I feel ready for the day. 🙂

Another amazing thing I have noticed and that I took for granted was how many hours I lost due to drinking and being hungover. I have wasted SO much of my life. Waking up early, doing a few small bits around the house and being ready and more importantly feeling ready to get out and about has opened my eyes SO much. On a “normal” Sunday (that’s a drinking sunday) I would have slept until at least midday. Eventually dragged myself up feeling like shit. I would have spent all day, until at least 4pm laying in bed, ignoring the mess in the flat. I would have ordered some form of junk food takeaway to soak up the booze, and napped on and off until evening. I then would have forcwd myself to get up, clean up my mess and hide the evidence. Wine bottles, glasses and takeaway boxes, so my sister wouldn’t know what a mess I was. And that was that. Day gone. And I would do that every other day, unless I had work.

But today and yesterday……I couldn’t believe how much you could achieve in a day ha ha! Yesterday I did a load of washing…the annoying stuff like bedsheets and towels. Eurgh. Showered, dressed and was out by 11am. Went shopping with friends and got a few bits organised for my mums birthday. Had lunch by the river in the sun, took my sister to get her nails done, came home, baked scones (disaster if I’m honest but edible ha ha) watched a film, had dinner, and slept.

Can’t wait for today….I just know how much I can get done. And I’m happy. Really happy. I have to remember that. I have to remember that later, when I’m feeling antsy and restless. I have to remember that this feeling outweighs the bad.

Happy Sunday people 🙂 x

Friday night…so now what?

Ok, it’s Friday night. I have completed my week in work and it’s now my weekend off. I also have two glorious weeks of annual leave stretching ahead of me….but I feel a little flat.

It’s quite hard to explain exactly how I feel….i dont have a huge urge to drink. So that’s good. I have actually planned a nice little evening for myself. My sister is out on a date this evening so I made the effort to get something nice I can cook for dinner, going to have a soak in the bath, watch a film and relax. What’s the problem then I hear you ask? Well the problem is, just how long I can go ahead hiding inside and amusing myself for? There is going to come a point when friends and family notice I am actively avoiding alcohol and alcohol related situations. What do I do then?

Hmm….the logical part of my brain is saying “cross that bridge when you come to it”. But the anxious side of my brain (I suffer from anxiety quite badly) feels like I’m wandering around in a false, happy “sober bubble” and that it HAS to burst at some point.

I just read that back. Sounds stupid. Why do i find it so hard to believe that being sober can actually make me feel quite content and happy? I need to just roll with it and stop looking for problems. I’m sure as hell some problems will find me soon enough, why seek them out?!

This is quite a rambling post, I realise that. But it’s my stream of consciousness at the moment. The main point of these blogs are to read back to myself to try and understand why I’m doing this. I need to remember why getting sober is so important.

Reading other people’s blogs about being sober help so much. So thank you faceless people…. You are helping me more than you know 🙂

Right, off to bake, grill steak, cry to twilight films and sleep haha! ROCK N ROLL 😉

X

I sleeeeeep!

Well I cannot get enough sleep. I have no idea what’s up with me. I finished work yesterday and had a few hours on the sofa chilling at went to bed at 9pm. And slept. Until 9:30am this morning. I just seem to be exhausted. Work is challenging but hardly worthy to make me need to be horizontal at all times! I was thinking about it, and maybe this is my bodies way of repairing itself.

When I was in the cycle of Drinking every other night, I got hardly any sleep, struggled through a full shift at work, ate nothing but crap all day in an attempt to make myself feel better and crash and burn when I got home. I treated myself and my body so appallingly, is it any wonder my body is in panic mode now and greedily taking any bit of rest it can?

Maybe this is not the reason, but it’s how I have rationalised it to myself. I am also hugely aware of how much weight I have put on. I can’t put this all down to drinking, as due to having a rough couple of years I have used food as a comfort, but alcohol definitely hasn’t helped at all. I think it’s about time I took care of myself and my body. I have put it through so much.

I don’t feel at the moment that I can commit to a full blown diet, one thing at a time and all! But as today is 10 days sober (get me!), as soon as I’m feeling a bit stronger it’s time to challenge my issues with over eating and rewarding myself with food. Eurgh…..this “fixing yourself” stuff is hard work! ha ha….

On the up side, had a lovely evening out the night before last. Met my sister and her friend from work after work for some dinner. My sisters friend had had a crappy day (men!) and as I arrived they already had a cocktail each in front of them. I had a feeling this would be the case so I rang my sister from the car as I parked and asked her to get me a diet coke from the bar as I was thirsty. When I walked in, the drink was already there. They both then ordered another cocktail, and I ordered another diet coke. The barman actually called me boring! I felt like punching him in the face! I laughed it off though and quickly decided he would not be getting a tip! 😉 when the girls drinks arrived they both offered me a sip to taste how nice they were, as they were new cocktails. I thought to myself, what’s a sip going to do? I just as well….but I didn’t. I knew as soon as I tasted one I would want one. So I told a half truth…..I said “no I’m good thanks ladies, u know me, I don’t want just one cocktail I will want 24!”. They laughed and didn’t mention it again.

I don’t know what’s more worrying, that they may be aware that my drinking habits are awful or that that type of attitude to drinking is completely normal. Hmmm……

Anyway my original point was I had an evening out, ate and drank diet coke! And felt quite good about myself afterwards 🙂

X