Just leave me the hell alone!!

Happy to report I am still sober and feeling strong. I just wish that the people in my life would butt out and leave me alone. I may be being over sensitive, but every time someone says “so why aren’t you drinking?” I feel like punching them in the face. I feel like a spotlight has been thrown on my face, blinding my eyes and everyone is staring at me. Why the hell is it such a big deal to everyone?! (I am feeling very ranty today so I apologise in advance….). I feel like people are picking on me….and this probably is all in my imagination but I can’t help it. for example, I FINALLY after losing it 6years ago (drunkenly) renewed my driving license. it was always a bit of a pain when going clubbing as it was my ID. I’m 28 years old but still get ID’d a lot. So it came a few days ago and my sister said in a snide fashion “no point in even having that anymore, now you don’t drink.” she also made the same point whilst we were having lunch out with friends today. Everyone laughed along and cracked a joke, and I felt I had to too. I feel that to explain my sobriety away, I have to pretend that it’s a chore and something I don’t want to do. But that isn’t the truth. I WANT to be sober. I have no major desire to be drunk.

I think my major fear is that people will now assume I’m “boring” because I don’t get shit faced on a regular basis. I mean, just because I don’t choose to throw filth down my neck, act and look like a complete idiot and waste obscene amounts of money on booze, doesnt mean I can’t have fun and be ME.

Arghhh I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m feeling. To be honest I’m probably more annoyed at myself than anyone else as this is all my fault. If I hadn’t been such a bad drinker and idiot for so long this wouldn’t be an issue.

I’m going to sign off now because I’m just wallowing and getting myself more annoyed!

Speak soon x

Ok……take two on this post! I walked away, had a cold drink with plenty of ice (diet pepsi!) and ran myself a nice cool bubble bath. It’s boiling here in London, that’s why it wasn’t a hot bubble bath! I am a bit more focused and relaxed now and can maybe have a little more perspective on how I’m feeling.

I’ve had a really busy week. I am used to being in my own comfy sober bubble. I can handle that. It was a much nicer, safe place. However I have to learn to deal with sobriety in ALL situations. And whatever comes with those situations. Wether it’s the urge to drink, or people’s reactions.

I think the stress of the birthday party, the worry that everyone would enjoy it, the travelling and being back home in Wales, a place I’ve ALWAYS been drinking in has shifted me somehow. My sister and I travelled back to London Sunday morning as she and my younger (15) sister had a concert in Wembley to go to that evening. We are heading back down to Wales in the morning until the weekend to spend a bit more quality time with my mum. So I have my little sister staying here at the moment. I have given her my room and I’m crashing on the sofa. And that is totally fine, and I dont begrudge her that as a guest. But I am feeling grouchy and tired. I was used to waking up soberly every morning with a spring in my step and we’ll rested. The thought of heading back to Wales in the morning and spending 4 more nights not in my own bed fills me with dread. That sounds dramatic, but going to my bed, my little cocoon of peace clear headed always put a smile on my face and made me feel at ease. I think after this week I can get back to my routine and start to feel more settled.

With regards to other people’s reactions I think I just need to be Teflon! Let their negative energy bounce back off me. One of my traits is being one hell of a stubborn cow ha ha! The more people told me I should cut down on my drinking the more I refused to listen. I will now just be reversing that. The more people scoff at my not drinking makes me more determined to prove them wrong. I am not doing this for anyone else. I am doing it for me. But if their reactions spur me on, then hell…..i’ll take it!

I’m going to stop being a negative nelly now and remember the fact that it has been 22 days clean and sober. That is a HUGE achievement for me. I honestly can’t remember ever going this long before.

So fuck it……yey to me 😉 I may celebrate this evening with an icy bitter lemon in my beautiful hot pink sober glass and toast myself ha ha!

HAPPY MONDAY people 🙂 xxx