Touch and go day……

Well today started out fine. Up early as I had to travel an hour to pick up my lovely mums birthday cake. Took a good friend with me to help with directions and carry the cake back on his lap! We were chatting on the way and I opened up a little and explained that I had given up drinking. I didn’t massively go into it, and didn’t even mean to tell him. It just naturally occured in conversation. He didn’t even react that much. Just said that he understood and if that’s what I wanted then that’s great. Simple really. I didn’t say the words “I have a drinking problem” but I think he got the jist. This is good in the fact that he is coming to my mums surprise birthday party tomorrow, and it’s nice to have him in my corner. If he already knows I’m not drinking, I know now he won’t try and force it on me. So all good so far…..

On the way back home after picking up the cake and a tray of specially made cupcakes, thanks to aim IDIOT driver in front of me I very nearly had a massive crash in my car. I honestly, even now, hours after the incident do NOT know how I managed to stop my car in time. Thank god I did. During the massive slam of the brakes, the tray of cupcakes came flying off the back seat and crashed into the foot well. Needless to say they were fucked. Excuse my french! I pulled over as I was shaken, and my wonderful friend pieced them together as best he could. At the time, I obviously wasn’t really worried about the cakes, I was just glad I had avoided a huge accident. But still……they were for the party and we’re bloody expensive!

After this little incident I managed to get us home safe. And the cupcakes, although not perfect are actually fine. But by now the wheels were set in motion for me feeling a little on edge….. I instantly thought, “wow, what a day, can’t wait for a glass (bottle, let’s be honest) of wine later tonight”. But of course…..sober me can’t do that. I shrugged it off, had a Pepsi and headed back into town to pick up a few last minute bits. But the seed of doubt had been sewn…..:(

All evening I had that feeling…..kind of like a nervous, butterflies in stomach feeling. I felt that if I had a glass of wine, even just a sip, I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel better. At no point did I PLAN to drink. I just wanted to. Badly. It gets worse……

It was my friend Jess’ birthday today and she had invited a few of us to the pub for a birthday drink. Now normally that would be ok. I’ve been sober 18 days now and been to a pub a few days and been fine. But today I had craving coming out of every fibre and pore of me. I should have just made my excuses and stayed at home. But I got angry. “Why the hell should I let a friend down? Just because I can’t control myself??” so I got dressed and drove to the pub. Again I’d like to stress that at NO point did I plan to have a drink this evening, I just wanted one. The whole drive to the pub I had the feeling. The feeling I used to get on my way out for a drinking night. The anticipation of that 1st drink. How good it would make me feel….blah blah fucking blah. But this time the feeling was toxic. Because I knew I wouldn’t be having that drink. The 1st sip. So I knew the feeling would get worse and worse. I got to the pub, went to the bar and bought a pint of cider and black and a diet coke. The diet coke was for me 🙂 the cider for the birthday girl. As I sat at the big table chatting away I actually relaxed. I had no urge to go to the bar and order a wine. No urge to sip someone else’s drink. Just sat. Laughed along and listened to everyone. There was one moment when another friend of mine got up to buy a round of shots. He offered me one. I declined and said no thanks I’m driving. He looked at me and said “but I want one though……you’re not having one??”. it made me think that maybe I have always been the pisshead barometer for my friends. “Oh if she’s having one, we just as well”. That kind of thing. It made me feel a little sad if I’m honest. Sad that people probably all joked about how I was a “big drinker” the “any excuse for a beer” kind of girl. Hmmm….

Anyway. I declined and got another diet coke. As I sat there and watched one girl imparticular get more and more drunk I noticed how her behaviour changed. She was louder, ruder, drank more quickly than anyone else, got herself drinks in between rounds………….she was me. Or at least who I USED to be. It made me realise, that although i’m sure she was just letting off steam and is probably a “normal” drinker…..I did not want to be that girl again. If she stuck out to me.. then I obviously stuck out to everyone else for all these years. And for the wrong reasons.

Anyway…..I left before everyone else but that’s ok. I did my bit, I survived soberly, albeit by the skin of my teeth and I am now home. Deep breaths 🙂 To be honest, I could have done without this tonight, seeing as I’m already nervous about how I will cope at the party tomorrow. But hey……this is life now. I can’t change it. I just have to keep strong and remember, no matter how hard and painful a craving is…..I CAN ride it out. I just have to be patient.

The big slab of maderia cake I’m eating in bed as we speak has helped a little 😉 ha ha.

Night guys…..wish me luck for tomorrow xxx

 

Drinking nightmares…

So with all my many hours of sober blog reading (which is a godsend so thank you people!) I had heard about “drinking dreams”. I didn’t really envisage myself getting or being bothered by them. How wrong I was.

The last few nights alcohol has invaded my dreams. At 1st it was just lurking in the background. I had a dream in where I had drunk a glass of wine and then everyone around me stopped drinking. And I had the same feeling I always used to, “where the hell will I get more booze?!” “why have these people just stopped at ONE glass?! Are they crazy?!” I had an anxious feeling and a panic knowing I’d been reckless in sipping the wine, but also not caring and just wanting more. If I’ve had one I just as well say to hell with it and get drunk right?! Well luckily for me it was just a dream. One I shrugged off in the morning and didn’t think much more about it. Until last night’s installment.

I don’t actually remember drinking in my dream last night, as dreams have that funny way of disappearing from your consciousness when you wake. Pesky beggars 😉 But I did wake in the early hours with a pounding headache and a thirst like no other. Actually, it was a thirst that I used to so often wake with after a couple of bottles of wine. The kind of thirst that makes your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth and you feel like you haven’t tasted the sweet solace of water in 10,000 years! In my sleep addled state I, for a split second, thought I had been drinking again. It made me feel sick. Of course I hadn’t been drinking, I had just woken with a bad headache. But still……it was a slap in the face.

It made me wonder how the hell I ever used to cope with that feeling every other day? How did I manage to get up and go to work? I dread to think how I may have endangered my colleagues when I rolled in morning after morning, still half pickled, and hardly in a fit state to work efficiently. I work as a prison officer in a highly volitile and dangerous environment and I had the audacity to go in morning after morning and let….no, expect my colleagues to carry me through the morning. It makes me so ashamed.

I suppose that thinking about it, the drinking nightmares are unpleasant to say the least, but if they serve to remind me of exactly what I don’t want to return to, then I’ll happily suffer them every night.

On a little positive note to lighten the mood (!) I’m on day 17 and feeling good…..apart from the headache ha ha.

Have a good Tuesday people 🙂 xxx

Day 15….

Ok. So it’s day 15 without drinking. Feeling good. It’s almost becoming a normality for me now. Which is obviously a good thing. But completely honestly, which is the point of this blog, I miss the rush of pride I got at the beginning of this.

Now this is ridiculous for lots of reasons. The 1st being, having a rush of pride in myself for not getting absolutely bloody wasted for an evening should NOT be something to be proud of. But for me, my problem and sick relationship and the cycle of booze I was in was my reality. And the sad fact is, in my 1st week of leaving booze behind, it was bloody hard! And I DID feel immensely proud every morning I woke up and could punch the air and say “YES! One more day down!”.

Another reason missing the rush is ridiculous is, what the hell am I expecting?? This is how normal people live every day. People who can drink alcohol in a healthy way don’t wake up every day and pat themselves on the back do they?! So why am I any different?

I’m also afraid that I will get bored of this. Get bored of “not drinking”. I have always been an impulsive person, and funnily enough, have an addictive personality (no! You don’t say?!). So what is going to happen if one evening I just say “bollocks to this, I’m going to drink tonight.” Will it mean I have ruined all my progress so far? Will it give me an excuse to spend another period of time off the wagon? Will it mean I have to start all over again? Will I feel disappointed in myself? Ashamed? Proven my own self right, that I was never going to be strong enough to do this in the 1st place?

YES. Yes a million times over.

So I can sit here all day today and complain to myself that this isn’t as euphoric as it used to be, but the truth of the matter is, I CAN’T go back. I don’t WANT to go back. I cannot do all of those things above again.

The quote is bang on. I cut alcohol out because it made me a horrible person. It handed me the scissors. So thank you booze, you horrible bastard! I am going to carry on without you 🙂

Happy Monday xxx

Different tactics!!

Ok, I am going to try a different blogging tactic. I always seem to write in the evening as it is easier….but by then I have by passed all my positive and happy thoughts and the doubts creep in. So I want to get down in print how good I feel at the moment, morning time hangover free, to look back on and give myself some encouragement.

So I woke up this morning and had a little lie in….got up with the sun streaming through the window and felt good. Clear headed, no sick feeling in my stomach, no dirty wine after taste in my throat and RESTED. It seems so stupid but I forgot how good sleep was! When it is proper, sober restful Sleep. Whoever invented it is a genius ha ha! It really does the job 😉

When hungover (which as you know was every other day) I would look at my lovely little flat and dread the simple things like wash the old cup or plate from the night before. Straighten up the living room, hang the washing out etc etc. Simple things that make your living environment better. Obviously I would do these things eventually. I didn’t live in squalor! I just would put it off until I HAD to do them. For example before my sister got in. But this morning I got straight up, cleaned a few bits in the kitchen, sorted out some washing and straightened up the living room. It felt good. I feel ready for the day. 🙂

Another amazing thing I have noticed and that I took for granted was how many hours I lost due to drinking and being hungover. I have wasted SO much of my life. Waking up early, doing a few small bits around the house and being ready and more importantly feeling ready to get out and about has opened my eyes SO much. On a “normal” Sunday (that’s a drinking sunday) I would have slept until at least midday. Eventually dragged myself up feeling like shit. I would have spent all day, until at least 4pm laying in bed, ignoring the mess in the flat. I would have ordered some form of junk food takeaway to soak up the booze, and napped on and off until evening. I then would have forcwd myself to get up, clean up my mess and hide the evidence. Wine bottles, glasses and takeaway boxes, so my sister wouldn’t know what a mess I was. And that was that. Day gone. And I would do that every other day, unless I had work.

But today and yesterday……I couldn’t believe how much you could achieve in a day ha ha! Yesterday I did a load of washing…the annoying stuff like bedsheets and towels. Eurgh. Showered, dressed and was out by 11am. Went shopping with friends and got a few bits organised for my mums birthday. Had lunch by the river in the sun, took my sister to get her nails done, came home, baked scones (disaster if I’m honest but edible ha ha) watched a film, had dinner, and slept.

Can’t wait for today….I just know how much I can get done. And I’m happy. Really happy. I have to remember that. I have to remember that later, when I’m feeling antsy and restless. I have to remember that this feeling outweighs the bad.

Happy Sunday people 🙂 x

why am I finding this so hard????????

Saturday night. Still sober. Still glad of that fact. I think. Urghhh. I don’t even know what I think to be honest. I’ll start at the beginning of my day and work from there….

I found it quite difficult last night. Well no, not difficult just boring. My sister was out on her date, I was home alone. I’d planned my evening and it was quite nice. I just got bored. Quickly. So decided to change my bedsheets (always makes me feel good) and get into bed with a good book. I did and fell asleep. Fine and dandy.

I woke up this morning at 07:45….not on a work day that is UNHEARD of for me! but it felt fabulous 🙂 made a cup of tea and read in the quiet of the morning……in that moment I was so grateful and happy to have woken up sober and feeling fresh and rested. And I’ve had a good day. Been out shopping, had lunch in the sun in a beer garden…..As much as I’d love to say that the sight of an ice cold lager shandy made me sick…..it didn’t. It looked bloody delicious. BUT I ordered a pint of blackcurrent cordial and soda water and it was lovely. Cool and refreshing.

My sister poured herself a glass of wine when we got home this evening. It’s the 1st time we have had alcohol in the house since I decided to cut it out of my life. It hasn’t bothered me to be honest. And when she was drinking it earlier I didn’t bat an eyelid. But it’s a few hours later now….and I’m bored. Again. I know deep down I won’t enjoy drinking tonight. The thought of waiting to pass out due to necking glass after glass after glass of wine makes me feel quite sick if I’m honest. So why the hell am I laying here on the sofa feeling so restless and antsy??!!!?

I don’t understand it. I KNOW being drunk doesn’t feel good. I KNOW it will write my whole day off tomorrow. I KNOW I will feel ashamed of myself for having to have another “day one” and “fresh sober start”. So why the hell am I so fucking Pissed off with it all????!!!!

Sorry for the language.  Maybe this is normal and a feeling I just have ride out. The one positive I can say though, is that I know I will go to bed soon, sober and wake up in the morning feeling better for it.

🙂 x

Friday night…so now what?

Ok, it’s Friday night. I have completed my week in work and it’s now my weekend off. I also have two glorious weeks of annual leave stretching ahead of me….but I feel a little flat.

It’s quite hard to explain exactly how I feel….i dont have a huge urge to drink. So that’s good. I have actually planned a nice little evening for myself. My sister is out on a date this evening so I made the effort to get something nice I can cook for dinner, going to have a soak in the bath, watch a film and relax. What’s the problem then I hear you ask? Well the problem is, just how long I can go ahead hiding inside and amusing myself for? There is going to come a point when friends and family notice I am actively avoiding alcohol and alcohol related situations. What do I do then?

Hmm….the logical part of my brain is saying “cross that bridge when you come to it”. But the anxious side of my brain (I suffer from anxiety quite badly) feels like I’m wandering around in a false, happy “sober bubble” and that it HAS to burst at some point.

I just read that back. Sounds stupid. Why do i find it so hard to believe that being sober can actually make me feel quite content and happy? I need to just roll with it and stop looking for problems. I’m sure as hell some problems will find me soon enough, why seek them out?!

This is quite a rambling post, I realise that. But it’s my stream of consciousness at the moment. The main point of these blogs are to read back to myself to try and understand why I’m doing this. I need to remember why getting sober is so important.

Reading other people’s blogs about being sober help so much. So thank you faceless people…. You are helping me more than you know 🙂

Right, off to bake, grill steak, cry to twilight films and sleep haha! ROCK N ROLL 😉

X